Two Myths about Grief and Loss

Myth 1: The goal of helping bereaved children is to "Get them over grief and mourning."

Children and adults are often told that they "should be over this by now It's been almost a year." Adults who believe this myth deny children the patience to live with and to work with their grief.

Danny's teacher responded to the death of his mom by telling him, "You have to forget about this and go on." Danny said he felt like killing his teacher! The last thing he wanted to do was forget his mom. He needs to remember her in a positive way to take her with him on his journey.

Adults and kids often equate getting over grief with forgetting the person, without realizing that their pain is what connects them to their loss. We need to find alternative ways to connect them to the lost person or event, diffuse the pain, and transform it into a positive experience.

Myth 2: Children are better off if they don't attend funerals

Not allowing children to attend funerals creates an environment of denial that does not allow them to actively participate in the grieving process. The funeral provides a structure for the child to see how people comfort each other openly, mourn a loved one, and honor his/her life.

Children learn the ways we say goodbye to the remains of the person who died, and how we show respect for the deceased.

Chad's dad Ray drowned at age 31. Chad was 7. Chad's grandfather told Chad of his dad's death, and they cried together for a very long time. Ray's body was found after several days of being in the water, necessitating a closed casket funeral.

The family, including Chad, worked together to select meaningful items to be placed in the casket. A picture of Chad, a letter from Ray's mom, and some other items were chosen. Chad was made an important part of the funeral process, and by doing so, the funeral process became an important part of him.

During the ceremony, Chad learned over to his grandfather and whispered, "Grandad, I'm using my imagination right now and pretending I'm reaching inside the coffin and hugging dad." He needed to say good-bye and created a way to do so.

These myths are barriers to the grieving process. They disguise our own vulnerability and feelings of helplessness, and perpetuate a world of denial. We need a new way of looking at a universal issue of grief. We need to educate ourselves and our communities to distinguish between fact and fiction so that our children can, too.

What is complicated grief?

When life issues are unexpressed or un-acknowledged, they become locked in frozen blocks of time.

Frozen blocks of time stop normal grief and deny the child the ability to grieve. It can feel as if life stops and time stands still. The natural flow of feelings is inhibited. There is no moment forward until the issues are resolved and the feelings released. Suicide, homicide, AIDS, abuse, and violence are familiar examples of situations that lead to complicated grief.

The grief process is normal and natural after a loss. When children become stuck in this frozen block of time, they are denied access to this normal and natural flowing process. Overwhelmed by frozen feelings, the grief process seems to be on hold or nonexistent. The child is not in touch with his or her feelings of grief, or those feelings are ambivalent and in conflict.

Some causes of complicated grief

• Sudden or traumatic death(including murder, suicide, fatal accidents, or a sudden fatal illness) can create an unstable and confusing environment is the childs' home.
• Social stigma frequently accompanies deaths related to AIDS, suicide, and homicide. Children as well as adults often feel too embarrassed to speak of these issues and suppressed feelings get inwardly projected in the form of self hatred.
• Multiple losses can produce a deep fear of abandonment and self-doubt in children. The child is shocked at this sudden and complete change of lifestyle and surroundings, and may withdraw or become terrified of future abandonment. Nightmares and/or bedwetting could appear.
• When a child has been abused, neglected, or abandoned by a love one, there are often ambivalent feelings when the loved one's death occurs.
• If the surviving parent is not able to mourn, there is no role model for the child.

Activities to help young children deal with complicated grief

• Read stories to children that allow them to project their feelings onto the story characters. This opens a dialogue with a child in a way that is not threatening.
• Allow children to visualize their hurt, fear or pain. Then can then draw, make use clay, or imagine these symbolic feelings being able to talk. If the hurt could talk, eight year old Nancy had explained, it would say "Why me?" Nancy had experienced multiple losses, including the death of her younger sister. Feelings of having bad luck or being punished began to emerge.
• Invite children to make a Loss Timeline, filling it in with people and dates in chronological order according to when they died. This Loss Timeline becomes a concrete representation of all the losses one has experienced.
• Create with children a genogram of family tree using a circle and square to represent those people still living and those people who have died in their life. Kids can not only see that extent of the losses they've had, but the support system of the people that are still remaining.

Linda Goldman is a grief therapist and educator. She maintains a private grief therapy practice, working with children, adolescents, women with prenatal loss, and grievinig adults. She is the author of Life and Loss: A Guide To Help Grieving Children (1994, 2000 2nd ed.), Breaking The Silence: A Guide To Help Children With Complicated Grief(1996), Bart Speaks Out: An Interactive Storybook for Young Children On Suicide(1998), and Helping The Grieving Child in the School(2000).

Adapted from the Web site, Helping Children with Grief, which can be found at: www.users.erols.com/lgold.

To order Life and Loss or Breaking the Silence, call toll-free 1-800-821-8321 or email bkorders@tandfpa.com.

Additional Resources:

Cave, Anne Good and Janice Skivington. Balloons for Trevor: Understanding Death. Concordia Publishing House, 1998.

Huntley, Therasa. Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies. Augsburg Fortress Publishers, 1991.

Johnson, Joy and Marvin Johnson. Children Grieve, Too: A Book for Families who Have Experienced Death. Centering Corp., 1998.

Kreon, William C. and Pamela Espeland, eds. Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One: A Guide for Grownups. Free Spirit Publishing, 1996.

Mellonie, Bryan and Ingpen, Robert R. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. Bantam Doubleday Dell Pub, 1987.

Silverman, Janis. Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies. Fairview Press, 1999.

Worden, J. William. Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies. Guildford Press, 1996.

AAP has brochures available for families, health professionals

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in Oakbrook Terrace, Ill., has a series of free brochures available on youth and the media on its Web site. The information is for families and health professionals. To access the brochures, go to http://www.aap.org/advocacy/mediamatters.htm.

The following brochures are available:

• The Ratings Game: Choosing Your Child's Entertainment.
• The Internet and Your Family.
• Smart Parent's Guide to Kids' TV.
• Television and the Family.
• Understanding the Impact of Media on Children and Teens.

Pediatric emergency care manual available

The Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) has a new resource kit of information available on pediatric injury and illness prevention, treatment and rehabilitation. Developed by 19 professional and governmental organizations such as the American College of Emergency Physicians, the resource kit contains more than 2,000 pages of protocols, training courses and guidelines that address patient care and safety, equipment use and public policy. It also offers contact information on organizations in the Emergency Medical Services for Children community that are dedicated to strategic partnership building. The entire kit, which is updated periodically, is available free at http://www.ems-c.org. [American Medical Association]