My Memoir of My Years At Doshisha International (1995-2000) S.N. Doshisha International Jr/Sr High School, Kyoto, Japan

During my first spring at Doshisha International, I entered the tennis club. I was still a seventh grader then. I had joined it because my parents forced me to join one of the athletic clubs. I, at the end, chose the tennis club just because I had experience playing with tennis in the United States. Most of the other seventh graders in the tennis club were beginners in tennis, so I spent more time practicing with the older members rather than the members of the same grade. So, it was rather a natural thing to me that the older members got used to me earlier than the other people in my grade. I do not know what other people felt about this, but I don't think anyone felt jealous or anything. All just happened so naturally. With me, I did not feel anything about it. In fact, I had felt a little proud of myself- not because I was able to practice with the older ones, but because I sort of became the "leader" of the grade's tennis members. Soon, I was to find out that it was a foolish thing to be proud of such a thing.

I soon became a second grader. All through the summer vacation, our grade was anxious about who would be the next captain after the retirement of the third graders. Everyone's prediction was the same. They all thought that I was going to be the next captain. I knew that myself, too. I knew that from before the teacher asked me to be the next captain. Only, there was a part in me that did not want to be captain. I knew that this was a role with a lot of responsibilities and a role with a lot of pains. Not one person probably realized this part of me. I regretted later on that if I had expressed my true feelings then, I would not have been the captain after all. Anyway, I became the captain during the fall of my second year at Doshisha International. As I had imagined, being a captain was a lonely position. No one gave me advice, and everyone just waited for me to give the orders. Only, it is obvious what a single person can do. Worse than that, I did not realize then that if I wanted advice, I would need to ask for it. Without help, advice, and the needed cooperation from anyone, I was left alone to try more and more to make the club even a little bit better. The more I tried to do everything myself, the more everyone lost interest in giving orders in club. They probably thought that I wanted to do it all by myself.

Why I did not realize this simple idea is easy to understand. I did not trust anyone. I frequently suspected if my fellows were really doing their best in playing tennis. I did not like how they easily gave up winning their matches, and I did not like how they went to take tennis lessons elsewhere as a group. I couldn't believe them when they all went to the same tennis school to take lessons. What use is it if you take lessons with people you normally hit with? Wasn't one of the most important parts of taking a lesson at a tennis club is that you can hit with people you normally hit with? Wasn't hitting with people of different types than your club members the next important thing to advice from the coaches?

After a while, I started to ignore other members. If they weren't doing there best in club, it was surely to be a bad influence on the younger members, who still had over a year of club left in junior high. It was better for the younger members to ignore their older members and to concentrate on their own practices. I didn't ask for advice from other members, for I was sure at those days that nobody was there to help me. There was a part in my heart that told me that other members were not worth relying on. I thought that I could do everything that the club needed all by myself. Soon, I realized that my ideas were completely wrong. Was I doing the right things? Or am I completely off the track? Should I try to trust other members one more time? It was obvious that there was a virtual limit that one single person can do. My heart was shaking between these thoughts and my actions. Still, there was no one who would tell me if I was doing the right things in club, nor was there any way to stop everything and to change my ways completely. So, I kept this thought hidden inside me. This feeling increased one day during the spring vacation. We were getting ready for club that day. We were imaging ourselves after we retired in August. Thinking about the short time we have left, the conversation continued to what we have done since we joined the tennis club two years ago.

I could still remember those words. "You're doing a great job as captain, Shoko." These words filled my heart. I wasn't alone. At least one other member cared about me. Probably, no one realized this change in me. Soon, I found myself wanting to ask for help. But all was too late. By the time I had realized this fact, not one single person was there to listen to my worries.

I was all alone in club. This influenced on the other affairs in tennis, matters not concerning about the policies of the club. It was right before our last tournament as a member of the tennis club in junior high. My partner and I had been pairing up for the doubles from the first year at junior high, and it was an unspoken agreement that we will be playing the doubles together. We did not ask each other to play doubles because we knew that we would be pairing up with each other. Anyway, it was just before our last tournament. I was getting ready for our practice, when she came up to me. We were talking vigorously, when she suddenly told me, "I'm pairing up with someone else next tournament." Her eyes were laughing. I thought she was just joking. I never thought that she would say such a thing as though it was nothing to us. I thought that our pair was more than that. I thought that our pair had a little more reliance in each other. She was not joking at all. It was the time to order for our participation that she was not fooling around at all. She had paired up with another person. Not only was I shocked, but I was also miserable. When I had found out this fact, I could not find another partner. Nobody cared about me. Not one person wanted to pair up with me. As I found myself in a situation like this, all I felt was, "Why? What did I do? Why can't I find a partner? I had done my best for club, and what has other people done to me?" To me, it was unfair that people who were not working that hard wanted to pair within themselves, instead of me. What has they done to club, while I had spent all my time on club? This puzzled me, but I once again found myself all alone. No one cared to tell me the answer. What did I do wrong? I wanted a person who I can speak everything to. I also wanted a person who can give me the accurate advise at the right timing. For now, there was no such person.

Until the end, I had not one person I could rely on. I was lonely all the time. There were nights I cried alone in my room, wanting to tell the truth to somebody. There were also nights that I wanted to quit the tennis team. I thought this would solve everything, and I would become the happy girl I was. Being a captain was a big load on me, and I could not survive its responsibilities. Even if I learned that there was someone watching me, I couldn't throw the idea that other members were not putting their best for tennis. I had the same suspicion with the new members, too. There were many days that I found myself the only one in the grade to participate in the practice. It was not unusual to find other members spending the day for their own leisure. I did not understand why they didn't feel like practicing even the day after they lost. Didn't they feel they would want to defeat the opponent if an opportunity came along in the future?

This suspicion lasted all through my days as a member of the tennis club. I also found myself all alone for most of my time in senior high. This was the biggest reason why I did not want to become the captain again in senior high. I feared that the same thing was going to happen again if I became the captain. It was clear to me that no one would listen to what I say. I did not want to find myself crying again. Still, things did not go as I wanted- I found myself as the captain of the club again. All went as I feared. Even if I told them to work harder for tennis, nothing improved. I was greatly disappointed with the members of the same grade when I heard that while we were away practicing for a group tournament or "dantaisen", there were several days that the students of the lower grade felt that the practices were practices of a club. They said that club was just like free practice, of which members would hit freely at their own will. If our grade had felt the responsibility that they were the oldest ones in the club and should lead the club, the practices wouldn't have gone like so. To me, it was unmovable evidence that all the members in our grade were not putting in the effort they could have.

Once again, I found myself working all alone. At a farewell party of the older members, one senpai told me, "I heard that there's so many days that you're the all alone in the grade at practice. I feel sorry for you." I was ashamed about our grade. Such an information had gotten its way to a place where it was not supposed to be. I wanted to say something to my fellow members, but I gave up. They would not listen to me. Finding myself alone again, my loneliness was at its peak. Instead of caring about other members, I decided to concentrate on my own practices. I practiced harder than I did in junior high. I wanted to win at tournaments. That was probably why I was able to join the Kinki Junior High Tournament, the tournament I had wanted to join for five years now. I was satisfied with myself. I thought I would be able to continue to win matches if I had put the same effort I had for the Kinki Junior Tournament.

I was wrong. At a tournament in fall, I was not able to defend my sead in the singles, and we lost our doubles match because I had flown off the handle in the middle of our match. Not able to win matches, not able to lead other members, what was my meaning in the club? Questioning this to myself, I just felt ashamed of myself. It was during this time I thought about leaving the club. The club might be better off if I had resigned. I don't know what had stopped to me. It was probably the shock it would give to other members.

It was in March of this year that some of the members in my grade realized that something was wrong with our grade. To me, it was too late. We only had about two more months before our last match, and what use was it if we practiced really hard for two months? But something called "hope" had made its rebirth in my mind. For the first time since I entered the tennis club, we gathered to talk what was wrong with our grade and the club. We talked seriously and earnestly of what we thought was wrong of our club, and what we should do to improve it. As I listened to their ideas, I was surprised how their ideas had not changed a bit. They did not think at all that club was their most important thing. Tennis was only a bit of their lives. There were many more things they thought was more important than club. Why did they want to join the tennis club then? Why didn't they want to concentrate on one activity? I couldn't understand their ideas.

Even when there was only one week left till our last tournament as a member of the club, there were some people who did not care to come to practice. What did club mean to them? It made me feel foolish that I was working so hard for something some people thought as nothing. I remembered of the same questions I had during my junior high schools days. Why did they care to be a member of the tennis club even though they cared so less about the sport we were supposed to be absorbed in? When we retired and said our last comments as a member of the club, some people boasted that they regretted that they did not care to put so much work in tennis. It was their complete truth. "It's too late to regret so. You should have thought so a long time ago." Their tears did not touch my heart. That was all I thought.

A few weeks have passed since I retired, but anger towards my fellow members of the tennis club still remains. Even though I tried hard to forget about everybody else and concentrated on my own practice, I was never able to do so. I always had the anger deep in my mind, and I was never able to clear that out. I also had a bit in my heart that wanted to believe that there didn't care anything about club, or anything close to it. There was a part of me that wanted to think that they did not care to work so much for tennis because there was a part wrong with me and my ways as captain. Still, working hard on tennis was different from participating in club and helping me out. To put the fact that I did not ask for their help was certainly not an acceptable reason for not putting their best on tennis.

When my friend my first draft, she commented that this memoir was only from my point of view, and that I should think more about how the other people in the club had thought, and I agreed in my consultation with Hillel to do so. Still, as I think back, I did not understand their ideas then and do not understand so even now, and I do want to do so. In fact, even if I tried, I would never be able to understand their ideas completely. They have stabbed my heart with their sword, and this would not heal as long as I live. As I watch the younger members do club, all I hope now is that the second graders do their best for tennis so that they would not regret their precious years in the tennis club when they actually retire. I also hope that the other members would be there to listen to their captain, and actually try to help them out. It is not a responsibility of other members, it is an action in which they must do from the point of view of "generosity". I think that the tennis club was such a big part of my life at Doshisha International, and that is why the anger still remains deeply in my heart.

Lastly, I would like to admit that I did not regret the fact that I joined the tennis club, and that I spent most of my life in Doshisha International in it. There were moments I cried of sadness, of chagrin, of loneliness, and of joy. The part of chagrin and joy is the part I remember the most, and would never forget in my whole life. If I had not joined this club, I would never have experienced these kinds of feelings and moments. These moments was what helped me to survive all the loneliness and the sadness, and had helped me to learn fight my frights, loneliness, and the sadness. I hope that the younger members would also feel the same, too. There may be sadness and all kinds of moments you can not endure, but those moments are the moments that will help you feel the joy from the bottom of your heart.

Nishimura, Shoko (2000). My Memoir of My Years At Doshisha International (1995-2000). Retrieved March 25, 2001, from the Doshisha International Jr/Sr High School web site: http://www.intnl.doshisha.ac.jp/projects/3sa/2000/memoir/sa1/a25-shoko.html

Copyright (c) 2001, Child Research Net, All rights reserved.