When The Candle Went Out H.K. Doshisha International Jr/Sr High School, Kyoto, Japan

"So, how about you? What do you think, Haruko?" Julia, my English teacher would turn her eyes to me, and give me a try. Thirteen desks are set in a circle in a cozy classroom, as thirteen pairs of eyes all look curiously at me. Feeling their straight glances at me, I begin to get itchy and impatient. I would tell myself, "They're waiting, they're waiting for me to say something...!" and urge, "Say something!!" I cool off, grasp what's going on, and try to start talking slowly, "Well, I think that..." * The path cut open the vast views surrounding us as the car drove comfortably on the highway. My eyes followed everything that was there outside the window and I felt that I certainly was in a land of a country unfamiliar to me. Signposts written only in alphabets kept on popping into my eyes as I sat in the side seat. The vehicle was surely moving on the ground of America, heading towards a high school in a small town located 25 miles north of Boston. For years after coming back to Japan and attending an international high school, I had always been dreaming of studying abroad once again and wanted to try out my English abilities that were dropping day by day. I hated to realize every time I tried to use English, that I couldn't express things fluently. To dissolve this problem, I believed that throwing myself into a complete English environment was the only way after all. I slightly started to think about studying abroad again, and managed to grab a small chance when I was given an opportunity to participate in a summer session in America, in summer 1999. Almost half a day on the airplane kept me under pressure for so long that when I arrived at the Logan Airport, I was already almost worn out from various kinds of expectation and anxieties. At the age of sixteen, it was my first time to live on my own. The community that I had to become attached to and cope with, was not an unknown place inside Japan where I am at least used to the environment, but was a strange place in what it seemed a strange country to me. Moreover, the mother tongue in this 'strange country' was the language I hardly remembered the senses of using. I hoped I wouldn't weep during the session out of insufficiency of English, because I was worried for that much if my abilities would still be current. Would I be able to speak English smoothly? Would I be able to follow everybody in class? Would I be able to make friends through communication in English?

Being drowned in such a deep fear like this, I was given a fortune from two teachers who came to pick us up at the airport, and also from a few teachers who spent that night with us at one dorm. I felt myself being released from those strains only after coming in touch with these teachers. They all let me into the new environment with bright smiles, and were all friendly as they could be the most. Adding to those, they were humorous so I laughed all the way and this made my feelings warm. They did not allow me to feel any distance from them. Within us existed a relation between a teacher and a student, though I did not feel any thick wall separating us. Therefore, I could make a room for myself to snuggle in, and was happy to be given such a blessing to be welcomed by a friendly environment. The next day, everything started on a full scale. I went to the gym in the morning for registration, and I saw many people of my age there. Despite my worries over many things, I got excited to see them all, since there was a possibility of coming in touch with each of them in this one campus. By the time of early noon, I was registered formally as one of the student in the summer session, ready to start my incredible summer. With a map in my left hand, I stood in front of branched paths, and tried to decide which way I should take to reach my goal, my dorm. The vast campus made me confused where all the buildings were located. No one passing by, no way I could get help. Simply, I was completely lost. "Maybe I shouldn't have come here from the first place." I began to get neglectful and timid. Being given only a small piece of paper which had the name of my dorm and a brief map, I thought of Japan enviously. I thought, in Japan at a situation like this, more specific instructions of how to get to the dorm would have been given to every student. In other words, more support would have been given to every participants of the summer session as to welcome that person. I keenly felt a difference here, and realized how I'm not used in being alone and being required to solve a problem all on my own. "So, I really am here." This moment I recall, was the exact moment I was fully convinced that I had come to America. This summer session made me realize something that I wouldn't have been able to if I stayed in Japan that summer.

Just when I got used to living in a new cycle of every day as my worries that I had faded away, a new matter filled me with agony. It was about my studies. By then, I had many friends to talk to, I felt comfortable in my dorm, and I was happy that I could use English in communicating with other people. I admit that my English wasn't perfect at all because for some times I stumbled over my words, but this never became a load on my mind. I got to know that it wasn't a perfect, fine English that connected people in speaking, but the will to transmit what one wants to say by at least trying to speak English. I had no more concerns in using English as a communication tool. But I still had difficulties in using it in classes. For my major, I took ESL. Or it might be more correct to say, that my English was insufficient in taking a regular course. I thought it was a good chance in brushing up the language from the very start. The biggest thing that struck me was the way the classes were held. How different, how significant, and how hard for me was what I couldn't get used to. It didn't have anything in common with the classes that I took in Japan. First of all, I saw only thirteen other people in my classroom including two teachers. I never had a chance in being part of such a small class like this. Secondly, the fact that it was an ESL class made me feel safe because then I knew that all of my classmates were non-native English speakers, just like me. But this relief was only transitory. Everybody apart from me was fluent enough to express their own thoughts logically and to speak up in class. I couldn't understand why I was suddenly thrown into this high-leveled class. Lastly and mostly, the contents of every class were so deep that I couldn't follow everybody else as I wished. The classes were nothing like we, the students, sit all facing towards the blackboard and wait till the teacher gives us information on any topic. In America, it wasn't the teacher who formed a class, but it was the students. Julia, my teacher was always there to only draw a start line for us to go ahead. She gave us homework basically so that we could get ready for the next class coming up the next day. Its amount was massive, but I never failed to not finish them. In doing them, I always could seize the meaning of spending a lot of time on them. There never existed a homework that would be considered 'a waste of time'. Every class, we held various kinds of discussions. This was the main period in class where we were the leading roles. Again, Julia would pick up a topic, and just leave everything up to us. So many hands would be up that Julia could never choose which one to allow start talking. Everybody was eager to say anything they had in mind, and it was not rare when disputes broke out among my classmates. I really liked this atmosphere, but I had a problem.

It was that I couldn't get involved in it. I didn't know why. It wasn't because I was afraid to use English, or because I didn't understand what was going on. Every night I studied hard so that I would be able to follow everybody in class the next day. I always thought I was ready enough to join everybody in discussions. But when the time came, I never could raise my hand. I hated myself to remain timid while others raised their voice to carry their points out. I wasn't used to this style of class where every student had their own theories that they could not give up and did not hesitate to share it in front of the others. I felt left behind and as if I wasn't a part of my class at all. I was at a loss what to do in order to fill in the gap that I had between my classmates. As time had passed, I began to be labeled as a "quiet girl" in class. Julia always tried to help me out, by interrupting the discussion and giving me a try individually. "So, how about you? What do you think, Haruko?" There wasn't a day when Julia didn't say this to me. Every time I felt everyone's eyes looking at me, I criticized my weakness. I didn't know how to get out of this complex. But gradually, I began to think differently. What I realized one day was exactly what I needed to change. That day in the morning, I couldn't attend class because I wasn't feeling good and I was sent to the health center on campus. When I was told to go back to my dorm in the early evening, I met one of my classmates. She came running up to me breathlessly, and asked me if I was all right. After that, she talked about what had happened in class that day even though I didn't ask her. I was happy. I was happy because I could feel that I was part of my class. I got to know that even though it looked like I never participated in discussions, I was not left out by everybody. I never knew that I was actually treated as an essential part by everybody until she said to me at the end, "You've got to show up tomorrow, everyone misses you, you know." I was about to cry, and realized how I have got to do something in class. Definitely more than compulsion, I wanted to join everybody. I was given courage and from the next day on, I began to be able to participate. Then of course, everything became much more fun and this made me more positive. I had never experienced such a significant class in my whole life. By just sitting down, talking and laughing, I learned a lot of things that I could never learn out of textbooks. To be critical about Japanese education, I thought over many times, how people are just wasting their precious time in class by doing nothing, having no goals, not learning anything. I strongly felt something had to be changed in this system. I wished I could stay forever in my class and study with my classmates more.

But the end of everything does approach to you slowly day by day. When I realized, I was told at a dorm meeting by my house counselor to start packing up and get ready to leave the campus. I and my roommate started putting our stuff into our suitcases and bags without talking that much like we used to, and our room was filled with a little sadness. Whenever I saw our phones placed beside the door, I thought back of each phone call that I made, and every time I bumped into our empty basket that used to have tons of sweets, gums, and food inside that we ate at nights, my mouth was filled with many kinds of flavours. The fact that we eventually had to leave the campus was something we never had dreamed of and something so hard to accept. Looking at the sky from the little veranda we had in my room, I could feel I achieved a lot of things, and I felt myself a little bigger than before. If I had stayed in Japan, I would not have been able to become in touch with another way of education. If I had stayed in Japan, I would not have been able to learn the importance of being a part of one community and the responsibility I had to be aware of. America was a country where the chances are given to every individual, and to open their own way in achieving that chance and using it fully is all up to that person. In doing this, responsibility and toughness becomes indispensable. As for me, those were fatally missing. Usually, I relied too much on my parents, friends, teachers, and many of my other acquaintances. On the very first day when I had to find my dorm on my own, I was already required to do something alone. To be responsible for what you do is the essential thing that is required to a person in living on his/her own. I keenly felt how being responsible for what I do is important. Along with that, I could realize how every person is carrying their own responsibilities and each of them had to be considered individuals after all. But I also got to know that there can be many supporters around you. I felt supported by a lot of people in this community of one school. Without my dorm-mates, my classmates, my house counselors, and my teachers, what could I do? How would I have managed to spend such a great time? I have no idea. Because they were there for me, because they accepted me, because they made me smile, I could survive. On the day of Closing Ceremony, we cried a lot. The phrase 'a lot' is not enough to express how much we really cried. I felt for sure that everybody attending the summer session had a great time for the past five weeks, and gained a lot of new things. I was to get on a taxi at two o'clock. Until then, I looked after many buses that had left to the airport. After saying 'goodbye' for so many times, the taxi finally arrived and I got into it reluctantly seeing the same view that I saw when I first got there as the taxi headed towards the airport this time. The outside somehow looked different than before, somewhat lonelier. I was filled with strong sadness and a feeling that I can never express in words, a little similar to a feeling I get when candles go out after burning for a long time. But surely enough, more than those gloomy emotions that struck me, I had gained a lot of worthwhile things when the candle went out quietly in me. Yes, a candle had been lighting for almost five weeks during my stay in America.

Kawata, Haruko (2000). When The Candle Went Out. Retrieved March 25, 2001, from the Doshisha International Jr/Sr High School web site: http://www.intnl.doshisha.ac.jp/projects/3sa/2000/memoir/sa2/d16-haruko.html

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