Between Two Countries Mari O. Doshisha International Jr/Sr High School, Kyoto, Japan

On the day I left Japan for America in 1995, many friends came to give me a send-off though it was early in the morning. Everyone was sorry for me to part, and after I got in a car and departed, they kept waving at me until our car turned the corner. But to tell the truth, I was not thinking so seriously about leaving Japan. Because I was sure that I would be coming back in a few years, and also we did not rent a house to anyone, so we had a place to come back whenever we liked. Therefore, for me, leaving for America was just like traveling, or even like an adventure to an unknown world.

After I got there and began to attend American school, of course it was not like traveling anymore, and I spent very hard days for learning English. But on the whole, I really enjoyed the life in America; I could learn the different language and culture, friends were all kind, and I could have many kinds of encounters. One of my biggest encounters was with the viola. I joined several orchestras and enjoyed playing. I knew the wonderfulness of the music. At that time, I was pretty sure that the viola would bring a big change to my life; not only to my life in America, but also to my life after I got back to Japan.

Of course, there were not only good things. I often had a hard time in the school. But I could overcome those difficulties because I had the support of my heart; that is, Japan, and my Japanese friends. I always intended to think: "I have a place to go back to." "I have many great friends in Japan." To think in that way helped me a lot to go through the difficulties in school. That is to say, because I had a place to go back, I could enjoy my life in America.

After two and a half years of my stay, the time to return home had come. I was sad to leave America, but also I was happy to return. However, "going back to Japan" was just a planned, expected thing, so there was no particular impression when I arrived at Narita airport. I just felt that I had come back to the place where I should be.

After a long flight, I finally reached my home in Nara. And surprisingly, once I entered my house, everything I experienced in America immediately turned to memories, the past. They even seemed like a dream. Though I had been in America till the day before, I felt so natural to be in Japan-as if I had been here for all through these years. It was interesting to feel that way.

However, from that time on, I got shocked at many things.

First of all, my friends visited me the next day of my return. I was used to be in the group of five people, and all of them gathered at my house. We had a great time together. I told them how my days were in America, and they told me about their lives in Japan. But then, they told me that they were no longer the "best friends" anymore in school. Since I had left school, they all belonged to different groups, and they rarely talked to each other. When I heard their words, I noticed at last--that something had changed while I was gone.

After that, I noticed many changes. I often took a walk alone, and looked at the people in the town. They were a little more gaily dressed than before. Also the way of talking of the girls of my age had changed, too. There were some new words that I could not understand. I was confused. To me, all the people looked similar, even alike. Everyone was wearing similar clothes, and everyone was talking in the same way. My friend had told me that someone who was a little different from others would be treated as a person who was not keeping up with the time. I could not understand what she was saying. I even got angry by seeing people who were all alike. Why does everyone have to be the same? I remembered my school in America where everyone was being different and individual.

"I have a place to go back to." "I have many friends in Japan." I remembered those feelings which supported me in America. Yes, those were still true...but something was going wrong. My friends have changed in these two years, and I would never be able to fill that blank. Those two years were bigger than I expected. I felt like I was denied by Japan. Of course it was impossible to go back to America, and I had to live here from now on. But I was standing at a point of halves. I could not fit in either in America or in Japan. I lost my place to be, I thought.

During the next few weeks, I thought about it over and over. At first, I could not get out of the sadness, that Japan which I knew was gone. But little by little, I began to accept those changes of Japan. And rather than to deny those changes, I decided to be thankful that I have got the chance to observe Japan objectively. If I were here in Japan all through my life, I might not feel any resistance for being the same as anyone else. Or I might not think about the importance of having my own individuality. I learned those things in my life in America.

Well, this is my third year since I came back to Japan. When I was in America, I firmly thought that the viola was going to be one of the most important things in my life, but now I do not play it anymore. Because I could not find a good teacher, and I am too busy with the activities of the track and field club. Now, this club activities takes the biggest part of my life, which was hard to expect from the days in America.

Now I know that many things keep changing and nothing ever stays the same, so I can accept lots of changes easily. Also, I got used to being in Japan, and I feel much more comfortable than before.

Today I can feel myself fitting in this country, Japan. But I also try not to forget that "I" am here because I could have experienced many great things in America.

Note; This paper was written in 12/99 when Mari was a high school senior.

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